How do you recognise domestic violence?

Every domestic violence situation is unique but there are some features that commonly occur. These include:

• destructive criticism and verbal abuse - this can include shouting, accusations, name calling, verbal threats and mocking
• pressure tactics - which can include threatening to or actually withholding money or taking away the car, using children as a weapon, for example threatening to take them away, sulking, threatening to disconnect the telephone or commit suicide
• disrespect - this involves things such as put downs in front of other people, not listening or responding, interrupting conversations, refusal to help around the house or with childcare
• breaking trust - this could include telling lies, withholding information, jealousy, breaking promises or being unfaithful
• isolation - this involves things such as monitoring or blocking telephone calls, stopping you from going to certain places or telling you where you may go or preventing you seeing your friends and family
• harassment - this could include stalking, checking up on you, opening and reading your mail or embarrassing you in public
• threats - this includes making angry gestures, intimidation by using physical size, shouting, destroying possessions, physical acts such as punching walls or breaking things, having a weapon, such as a knife or threatening to harm or kill you or your children
• sexual violence - this can include forcing, threatening or intimidating to get sexual acts, rape or degrading treatment based on sexual orientation
• physical violence - this involves physical contact such as punching, slapping, hitting, pinching, biting, kicking, hair pulling, pushing, pulling, burning or strangulation
• denial - this involves things such as the perpetrator denying that the abuse has happened or indicating that you caused it, being gentle and patient in public, pleading for forgiveness or promising that it will never happen again

When in public perpetrators may show different kinds of behaviours to their victims than when they are alone. This can make it difficult to know that someone is experiencing domestic violence. Sometimes it can be hard to believe someone who behaves respectfully in public can behave so differently in private. This can make it even more difficult for victims who are trying to access support, as they may feel that they will not be believed.